Let Me List the Ways
by Flamingo Bubbles
Summary: ...in which you're a complete and utter dumbass! A Jude/Tsunpal one-shot collection.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Jude/Tsunpal is my second favorite ship from this game. Not even joking.

For those confused by who Tsunpal is, (which I'm going to assume is 97% of you) it is a nickname I have given to an NPC that can be found in Leronde. If you take the time to talk with him, it's ridiculously obvious that he is tsun tsun for Jude, so I have decided to write this collection of Jude/Tsunpal one-shots based on all the lines that he has to say in both the first and second game. I do hope that you will enjoy this ridiculousness.

* * *

This Chapter Was Inspired By:

"Jude, you're such a dumbass! What were you thinking, sneaking into the fricking mine like that? Next time, you come by and get me first, all right? We'll do it together, you dolt!"

* * *

"Dammit."

Tsunpal swore under his breath as his stormy parade through Leronde's main street dissuaded anyone from asking where he might be going or what might be wrong. Although if anyone did bother to ask, the most they would likely have gotten out of him was a string of angry muttering with perhaps the mention of Jude somewhere in the jumble of rage.

Jude was being a goddamn idiot again, just like all those times in their shared childhood when he would use his own well-being as a bargaining chip so others would be able to escape whatever happened to be bothering them. This time though, he was putting himself on the line for the vague entity known as Elympios that had just been thrust onto every Rieze Maxian.

Of course, Tsunpal was certain that in Jude's perspective of the situation, that issue was his fault, which meant that it was also his responsibility to correct it. Even though his anger continued to seethe dangerously close to the boiling point, Tsunpal couldn't prevent the slightest smile from sneaking onto his lips - sure, Jude was a bigshot who had run off to the city and gotten entangled in some globe-trotting, two-world-saving adventure (if Leia's account was anything to go by), but underneath it all he was still do-gooder Jude who had a penchant for getting in situations over his head.

A do-gooder who was once again willingly throwing away his own well-being for the sake of others without a second thought.

The signs that Jude was going to pull something like this had been present since the moment the ship bearing him and Leia home had docked in the harbor a week earlier. Even though both his mother and father has advised against it, Jude had taken himself off bed rest only a few days after his homecoming on the grounds that his injuries weren't as bad as they had appeared. Additionally, rumors of Jude's interest in spirit fossils was known to the whole of Leronde within an hour of him posing his first query. With that knowledge in addition to his self-compiled, long running mental list of all the stupid things Jude had done (along with a tally system to ensure that the list didn't run too unmanageably long), it didn't take Tsunpal long to figure out where the suddenly missing Jude was headed.

As he approached the edge of town that lead of the Felgana Mines, his suspicions were immediately confirmed. Barely managing to bite back the desire to tell him off from a distance, he watched Jude give a furtive glance to each side and adjust his grip on the pickaxe in his hands. Mentally, Tsunpal added a tally mark next to the 'running off into the abandoned, monster-infested mine' section of his 'Ways in Which Jude is a Complete Dumbass' list, but he also made sure to note the additional stupidity of 'while still injured from saving the fricking world'.

Still several steps behind the younger man, he watched as Jude's shoulder slackened and an audible sigh of relief escaped his lips. Any rage that Tsunpal had managed to suppress until that moment bubbled immediately to the surface - the punk thought he was actually going to get away with it!

"And just where in the hell do you think you're going?"

The tension immediately came back to Jude's posture accompanied by a full body flinch and a clumsy attempt to hide the pickaxe from sight as he spun around. The look on his face spoke of his guilt so loudly that it was already drowning out any attempts Jude might make to defend himself.

"Uhm... hey?" he finally decided upon after an overly pregnant pause, his tone marking the utterance as a question more than anything.

"It's obvious that you're trying to go to the mine again, so don't even try to hide it."

Tsunpal watched as the look on Jude's face changed from surprise to guilt to determination all in a manner of seconds. The pickaxe was produced from behind his back, but rather than giving it up, Jude held it tighter to his chest. He steadily held Tsunpal's gaze as he began to speak.

"Don't try to dissuade me from going," his voice was level and calm as he continued on, "Spyrite research is critically important and spirit fossils are central to that goal. I need to go see if there are any usable samples left within the mines."

"Except you're still recovering from your injuries you dumbass. You're going to reopen all the wounds on your hands and that's only going to make the recovery process take even longer. Come on Jude, I thought you were going to school to learn this crap!"

At the mention of his injuries, Jude did his best to hide the medical dressings on both his hands. However, the flinch of discomfort that he made as he moved did not escape Tsunpal's notice.

"See? You're already making faces like it hurts like hell and you haven't even used that pickaxe yet."

"I already told you and everyone else that they're not as bad as they seem. Besides, I can hold my own against a few monsters."

"Do you remember the last time you went to the mine? You're not even smart enough to take Leia with you this time!"

"Leia's busy helping at the Lodge. Besides, she's still recovering."

"Oh, so Leia should just stay home and recover like a good patient but Jude the dolt is perfectly fine to run off on his own into the mine?"

"I just plan to do some preliminary scouting today, nothing strenuous enough to open any wounds."

"Gah! You're so fricking frustrating you stubborn asshole! Fine, if you won't listen to reason, there's only one option."

Moving quickly enough to prevent Jude a chance to react, he grabbed the pickaxe from his hands, slung it over his shoulder, and pushed him out of the way. Without breaking stride in the slightest, he began to head down the path that lead to the Felgana Mine. Behind him, Tsunpal heard a few utterances of bafflement from Jude before he hastened himself to make up the few steps that he had lost to his confusion.

"Just what are you doing?" Jude asked as he fell in step with Tsunpal.

"I told you to come and get me next time you went to the mine, didn't I? Well I'm pretty sure this is next time."

"I guess...but do you even have any combat experience? The only fighting I ever remember you getting involved in ended up with you in the clinic for a week."

"Shut up!" Tsunpal replied, his cheeks flaring red, "That was _one_ time! I know enough about fighting to jab the damn monsters in the eye with my convenient pickaxe weapon and to grab you and run like hell when you keep trying to play hero."

"Why do I get this feeling that I'm the one who's going to end up having to save you?" Jude said, another sigh escaping his lips but no further protests being made. Silence settled between the two of them as they wove their way towards the mine, avoiding monsters along the way. It wasn't until they were at the entrance to the mine that Jude spoke up once again.

"Thank you."

Tsunpal made no reply, instead heading into the darkness of the cave to hide the dark blush that suddenly colored his cheeks. He also made sure to add the umpteenth tally next to the 'Jude thanking me when he doesn't need to' entry on the ever growing list of dumbass things Jude had done.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Just so everyone is aware, for all the chapters that are based on what Tsunpal has to say in the second game - which will only be two: this one and one more - I will be providing my own translation. The reason for this is that I was rather disappointed with how the official localization handled his character and I would rather write on my own translation than one that miffs me.

With that said, I gotta give a shout-out to Yume, who prompted me to write this on Tumblr! I suppose this could be considered the extended/re-edited edition of that original piece.

* * *

This Chapter Was Inspired By:

"Idiots! Of course I could teach you all kinds of secrets about that dumbass! But, no matter what you assholes do to me, there's no way I'll sell out my friend!"

* * *

"For the last time, I'm not telling you anything about Jude!"

"Oh come _on_, you're the one who said that you've known each other since you were kids! What was it you said - rivals or something stupid like that? You must know tons of Jude's secrets!"

"Yeah, won't you tell us, pretty please? We just want to know a little secret or two. That's no big deal, right?"

"As if I would tell them to you, you freakin' fangirls! Jude's got enough to worry about without you blabbing his secrets everywhere!"

"Well I am not leaving this spot until you tell me something. We can stand here all damn day if you want."

"Yeah, all damn day!"

Tsunpal felt his hands clench and unclench. He already knew that these women could stand here all damn day because they had been doing just that every day for approximately the past two weeks. Try as he might to shake them, they hung around as if they were the most persistent of parasites.

That dumbass owed him. Big time.

So today, as all the days before, progressed with the plodding pace Tsunpal had grown used to. Once it became clear that words had no power to sway him, the women attempted to wrench an answer from him under the power of their glares alone. From sundown to sunset, the trio maintained their positions by the entrance to the Leronde Lodge, exchanging dark looks and the occasional phrase of hatred. By the time the women finally gave up for the day, it was already dark. However, the darkness didn't deter them from leaving him with an icy glare and an unspoken promise: tomorrow would be much of the same.

"Bring it on, assholes," Tsunpal muttered under his breath as he watched the women enter the lodge and close the door with a noticeable bang. They probably meant that as a tiny form of victory, but after two weeks of no progress, it was beginning to lose its potency. Now, Tsunpal liked to view it as a victory of his own: the sound of the harpies finally flying back to their cave for the night.

Left alone in the now-dark streets of Leronde, Tsunpal gave himself a hundred count before moving from his assumed post and making his way down Leronde's main street. Giving the occasional glance over his shoulder to ensure that he wasn't followed, he hastened his steps and ducked into the entryway of the Mathis' clinic. One more look down the street, a sigh of relief, and a smile finally finding it's way to his face was its own unique reward for putting up with those women all day.

Well that, and knowing that he was helping out Jude.

Immediately shaking that idea out of his head, Tsunpal slid open the door to the Mathis Clinic the tiniest amount. Pushing his ear against the crack, he listened for the voice of the other Elympion woman who had been hounding Ellen about working in the clinic. Although there wasn't any solid evidence to say that this woman was another desperate Jude fangirl, he certainly wasn't going to take any chances.

Not hearing anything resembling the woman's voice, he opened the door the rest of the way and strode into the clinic's waiting room. All eyes swiveled to him and Tsunpal could have sworn that teasing smiles immediately painted the faces of everyone in the room.

"Ah, Tsunpal," He heard the easily recognizable voice of Ellen Mathis greet him, "Have you come to let Jude know that it's safe for him to emerge from hiding in the archives?"

"N-No!" Tsunpal responded instantly as he rounded to face her, "I just came to tell the dolt what a freakin' pain in the ass he is to me. Why the hell am I suddenly his keeper!?"

"Ah, quit playing coy," an old man at the back of the waiting area call out, "We've watched you and Jude since you were tots. You always react like this, _especially_ when you're doing something nice for Jude."

"That's right," the old woman right next to Tsunpal chimed in, "There's nowhere for you to hide in a tiny town like Leronde. We all know that you-"

"Agh, just shut up, all of you!" Tsunpal screamed as he turned positively crimson with embarrassment. He was going to pile additional denial on top of those already supplied, but his tongue and wits failed him as he listened to the ever-so-knowing laughter surrounding him. Even Ellen was gently joining in!

"Well, Jude is exactly where you would expect to find him," Ellen said as she subtly hushed the patrons, "Just in case you want to make sure he knows the extent to which he is a 'pain in the ass'."

Tsunpal's cheeks flared with new heat as he pushed through the waiting room and into the back hallway of the clinic. As soon as he was out of sight, he began to take deep, gulping breaths, trying to force away the unneeded flush that permeated every fiber of his being. Unfortunately, any attempts at calming down were instantly dashed as he saw Jude emerge from the archive room, a look of confusion on his face.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tsunpal hissed as he closed the gap between them, "You're supposed to wait for the secret knock to signal that the coast is clear!"

"I heard you yelling in the entryway," Jude responded with a shrug.

"...You heard that? Did you hear what they were talking about!?" Tsunpal grabbed Jude's shoulders and was deeply tempted to shake him. If he had heard...oh Maxwell, if he had heard that conversation...

"Not really. You were the only one that was loud enough for me to hear clearly. You really have no indoor voice, you know that, right?"

"You shut up too!" Tsunpal yelled even though relief flooded through him as he released Jude with a gentle push for good measure, "I'll be as loud as I damn well please!"

"Yeah, yeah," Jude responded with a sigh, "I've certainly learned that lesson over the years."

"Hey wait a minute..." Tsunpal said as his mind returned to the present situation, "We're not done with our conversation! Just what are you doing out of the hiding spot?"

"I told you, I heard you yelling, so I figured the coast was clear."

"That's. Not. The. Secret. Knock."

"...Would you like me to go back in the room so you can do your secret knock?"

"No, that would be stupid! Next time, just make sure that you wait for it. I don't want your idiocy at the last second to be the reason that all my efforts go to waste."

"You know, I really think you're taking way too many precautions. I'm pretty capable of looking after myself."

"Well of course you can look after yourself, dumbass. But, I _want_ to protect you!"

As soon as the words escaped him, he wanted to take them back, especially with the look of surprise that crossed Jude's features. Incoherent syllables began to pour forth from Tsunpal's mouth as he scrambled to find some way to cover his mistake. He had just admitted that out loud! _He had just admitted that out loud!_ Shit, shit, shit!

"J-Jude! D-Don't! No, I-!"

However, Tsunpal's stuttering stopped the minute he looked at Jude's expression.

He was smiling, his features softening as he held Tsunpal's gaze. Any progress Tsunpal might have been making towards stringing together a coherent sentence was instantly lost as all his thoughts were snatched away sans one:

Damn was Jude cute when he smiled.

"Thank you for protecting me, then," Jude said, seemingly oblivious of all the mental anguish Tsunpal had just put himself through, "Fame has brought with it a lot of problems that I didn't plan for. It's nice to know that at least when I'm home I have a friend who ensures that I can have a few moments to myself."

"Lunch."

"…Lunch?" Jude echoed in confusion.

"You can thank me by going to lunch with me, you twit. We never did get to sit down and catch up because you're always so freakin' busy saving the world."

"Okay, okay, we'll go to lunch together tomorrow if that's all I need to do to thank you. Sound good?"

"Yeah, whatever."

Jude gave another quick smile before heading down the hallway and rounding the corner. Tsunpal listened until he heard the sound of the door shutting behind Jude. He rested his forehead on the wall and silently demanded that his heart rate return to normal. Unfortunately, it took a hundred count before he felt composed enough to finally give voice to what was on his mind.

"Goddamit Jude, you're such an idiot…"


End file.
